Author: Colossal

I have no life, I do this for fun.

McDonald’s Grimace rebooted as a beautiful independent girl for Women’s International Day, men outraged.

Women finally have representation at McDonald’s and it only took 47 years. That’s right, Grimace is back in the spotlight and the fast-food chain is changing his roles. The McArtists have agreed and decided on changing the former pro-men rights activist into a Woman to broaden its bank account and inspire little girls everywhere they too can be a purple mascot for a corporation.

Our purple friend’s problematic past image hit stocks hard, making the chain sell a Mcdouble with one slice instead of two in 2012. Old Grimace was last seen drunk at a Dodger’s game dancing aggressively to a couple of women who weren’t asking for his sauce. Later on that night he was arrested with a DUI and was never seen since.

“The old Grimace was fat, lazy, and never catered to women, which is over half of our customers. The new grimace will be culturally aware, woke, and fearless. A necessary change in progress.” Jane Grizzly, head designer for Nu-Grimace.

As expected, most sane citizens of our crazy country couldn’t care less about gender, but this deed no one asked for has sparked a flame inside the men’s rights group MGATPVG.  ( Men Going Away To Play Video Games) If you aren’t familiar with this group, you might have smelled them before. Men who join this group claim to be victims of the matriarchy, they swear all women are the same and only want one thing. McChicken Nuggets. They have decided to give up on all interaction with the opposite gender and just play PS4 and Xbone for the rest of their lives. We sat down with a member to find out what’s really grinding their gears?

“Men have looked up to Grimace for decades, we love how aggressive he gets at baseball games, we idolize his body. Have you seen him dancing to Black Betty? Women don’t want us to have representation in the media. First, it was movie roles, then politics, now our hamburgers? When will it stop? “

Rex, leader of the local group in Seattle. We asked if Rex was aware the move was only for a limited time. Unfortunately, Rex had no more time to speak to us here at Leftover Pizza. He was next at the Magic The Gathering tournament we were tricked into meeting him at.

9QbXcYR

With all the rage, McDonald’s is not backing down from this bold and fearless move. A representative of the shameless company has told us they hope to spread the message that women can be inspiring also by flipping burgers at age 27. To all men out there who are pissed about the reboot, I have one message for you. Women are allowed to eat and work at McDonald’s, get over it.

Jeff Pesos is too powerful, but there is nothing to worry about.

Jeff Pesos (CEO of Famine-zon) is too rich, but that shouldn’t alarm you at all. Although his net worth is worth more than 2 million average joes, his representatives have assured us he is one of the good centibillionares. Oh, you never heard of that word? Of course you haven’t, you are broke just like me. Centibillionare is a term describing people with over a 100 billion dollars. Only a few can take this name.

Not only is Jeff one of the richest man in Seattle, beating Phil Bates by 22 billion dollars, he also has all the control he would ever need. Somehow he found a way to trick 20 million homes into bugging their own house with the CIA in exchange for bedtimes stories. “Yes, I am aware my Famine-Zon Stasi is always on, but I am a very lonely person and without Conrad, I’ll have no one else to talk to.” Sydney Lynch, a resident of the tent city in Sodo District explains. She cannot afford an apartment like she used to grow up in her hometown since the tech boom invasion from neighboring country California has pushed out every born resident out of their once beloved city.

But all the money in the world isn’t enough for our Suicide Valley King, he also has a seat on our Board of Defense. US GOV. has come to an agreement using Pesos’ drones for an HQ in Syria. “Pesos’ drones are reliable, accurate and always delivers the missile strike in 2 business days which is why I chose Prime!” James Mattress, CEO in Department of Defense.

Again, I have to remind you, there is definitely nothing to worry about.

Jeff has told Leftover Pizza he would love to pay federal taxes like every decent human being does but he makes so much income our Government actually owes him. Yikes. So this is the power of Capitalism.

We might be 3 months late on payments or any solution to stop this man’s plan for ruling the world but at least we are in good hands! This man knows how to invest for the long run, he isn’t a loser like Phil Bates, who just throws his money to starving children across the world. That’s a man you should be worried about, what’s his intentions of helping out people he doesn’t even know? Sounds insane. Jeff Pesos makes sense and is someone you should aim at for success. If you asked me, I can’t wait for our Drone happy overlord to take over the planet!

1998-2017-2037-jeff-bezos-has-come-a-long-way-25770989

Your new hire is a psychopath.. Here’s 5 ways to stay on his good side.

So your job is short on employees and you have no other option but to go through a shady Temp Service. Jared, the manager at Integrity Plus Staffing who snorts coke, is giving you a guy who gives you Louis Bloom (Nightcrawler 2016) vibes and you want to figure out how to stay alive. Here are 5 ways you can stay on his good side:

1) Be his best friend.

Not sure if you are surrounded by crazy people? Think again!

1 of out 25 people in the world are sociopathic, 1 out of 100 are psychopaths… that means in a public school of 2,500 students, there are 100 sociopaths and 25 psychopaths. Reminder, this is the diagnosed, not counting the undiagnosed. Sounds like a recipe for disaster. This is one of the many reasons why guns in our public schools is a genius plan.

If the new guy really is a schizo, the first thing you want to do it befriend him. Ask him about his interests other than torturing animals or watching his cousin go asleep at night. You’ll find out you both might have more in common than you thought. In fact, crazy people watch the most tv and are always on the internet. When trying your best not to act scared being alone with him, he will be thankful for your company and that you aren’t as insane as everyone else. All the guys at work make fun of him. You understand him and ignore the warning signs everyone else sees. You are a true friend. Thank you for your service.

2) STAY CALM BRO

One of the best ways to stay safe in any situation is by never disagreeing with anyone EVER. This common rule can also be applied when interacting with a psycho. So what if he talks about his time in prison too much, it just shows character. Isn’t work just a prison with better benefits anyway?

If he has a habit of bringing his automatic switchblade to work while stabbing in adamant objects, just stay clear of the sharp edge and you should be fine. Don’t judge or even bring up the fact weapons are not allowed on the facilities. You should do this for most weapons, as long as it’s not an AR-15 (Automatic Rifle, yes, white people, I’m aware you think it means Armalite Rifle)

3) Stay useful or die

If you are still unsure if your coworker is a little looney, ask if he has a love life. A true Psychopath does not have any sense of love, empathy or humanity. The only thing they know and love is themselves.

A psychopath has no friends, friendship is useless and only keeps him from his goal. The best way to keep on his good list is to be as gullible and easy to manipulate as possible. This will keep him interested in your existence since he will believe he can make you do anything. Don’t be surprised if you ever have to lie to his parole officer for a testimony randomly at work. If you were a true friend, you’d be manipulated by everyone.

4) Honesty policy

Lying never goes without consequences, especially if the victim has a lot of time on their hands. It’s been months and you are still the new hire’s only pal, he spends a lot of time alone with his thoughts. You might think it’s just a white lie, nothing drastic. Everything is drastic for the temp. If things do not go the way he visioned benefiting him, someone is going away for a very long time. Make sure that person never ends up being you. Unless you know your way out of the desert.

Is it hypocritical of him since he lies the most to get what he wants? Yes, but remember step 3, “always agree to avoid the killing spree. ” Relationships are made of givers and takers, if you friend a psychopath, you’ll always be the later. But you have to realize it’s the most important investment you’ll have made sure he warns you before he cracks.

5) Become one yourself

It’s not always bad being a psychopath. If you have charm and look somewhat attractive, being a freak could actually bring you a lot of success. Manipulation is one of the many traits you need in order to be a rich person. While you judge the new guy because he’s emotionless, likes to stab things, very frantic and doesn’t care about anyone he’s making thousands of more dollars than you.

The system itself we been born in gives narcissistic, aggressive and intelligent people an advantage. A psychopath is all in one, the whole package. Do you like losing? I didn’t think so.

Best Original Screenplay award removed from Jordan Peele for “not enough action” in speech.

Jordan Peele (actor, director, black person) received an award at the 90th Academy Awards ceremony for Best Original Screenplay. Although deserving for his cult classic movie “Get Out,” he might have angered the ABC producers in the back. According to Anonymous Source from Ministry of Corporate Truth.

Jordan when receiving the award gave his acceptance speech with no political bullshit or telling people what to do. A stunning move that might jeopardize Peele’s career as a successful entertainer.

” Shocking, I’d wear Kevlar on my back..”

–Corporate America’s favorite puppet, George Clooney

Jordan has four more opportunities to give his justice speech so shaming is on a pause for now. We will let you know about any breaking updates.