So your job is short on employees and you have no other option but to go through a shady Temp Service. Jared, the manager at Integrity Plus Staffing who snorts coke, is giving you a guy who gives you Louis Bloom (Nightcrawler 2016) vibes and you want to figure out how to stay alive. Here are 5 ways you can stay on his good side:
1) Be his best friend.
Not sure if you are surrounded by crazy people? Think again!
1 of out 25 people in the world are sociopathic, 1 out of 100 are psychopaths… that means in a public school of 2,500 students, there are 100 sociopaths and 25 psychopaths. Reminder, this is the diagnosed, not counting the undiagnosed. Sounds like a recipe for disaster. This is one of the many reasons why guns in our public schools is a genius plan.
If the new guy really is a schizo, the first thing you want to do it befriend him. Ask him about his interests other than torturing animals or watching his cousin go asleep at night. You’ll find out you both might have more in common than you thought. In fact, crazy people watch the most tv and are always on the internet. When trying your best not to act scared being alone with him, he will be thankful for your company and that you aren’t as insane as everyone else. All the guys at work make fun of him. You understand him and ignore the warning signs everyone else sees. You are a true friend. Thank you for your service.
2) STAY CALM BRO
One of the best ways to stay safe in any situation is by never disagreeing with anyone EVER. This common rule can also be applied when interacting with a psycho. So what if he talks about his time in prison too much, it just shows character. Isn’t work just a prison with better benefits anyway?
If he has a habit of bringing his automatic switchblade to work while stabbing in adamant objects, just stay clear of the sharp edge and you should be fine. Don’t judge or even bring up the fact weapons are not allowed on the facilities. You should do this for most weapons, as long as it’s not an AR-15 (Automatic Rifle, yes, white people, I’m aware you think it means Armalite Rifle)
3) Stay useful or die
If you are still unsure if your coworker is a little looney, ask if he has a love life. A true Psychopath does not have any sense of love, empathy or humanity. The only thing they know and love is themselves.
A psychopath has no friends, friendship is useless and only keeps him from his goal. The best way to keep on his good list is to be as gullible and easy to manipulate as possible. This will keep him interested in your existence since he will believe he can make you do anything. Don’t be surprised if you ever have to lie to his parole officer for a testimony randomly at work. If you were a true friend, you’d be manipulated by everyone.
4) Honesty policy
Lying never goes without consequences, especially if the victim has a lot of time on their hands. It’s been months and you are still the new hire’s only pal, he spends a lot of time alone with his thoughts. You might think it’s just a white lie, nothing drastic. Everything is drastic for the temp. If things do not go the way he visioned benefiting him, someone is going away for a very long time. Make sure that person never ends up being you. Unless you know your way out of the desert.
Is it hypocritical of him since he lies the most to get what he wants? Yes, but remember step 3, “always agree to avoid the killing spree. ” Relationships are made of givers and takers, if you friend a psychopath, you’ll always be the later. But you have to realize it’s the most important investment you’ll have made sure he warns you before he cracks.
5) Become one yourself
It’s not always bad being a psychopath. If you have charm and look somewhat attractive, being a freak could actually bring you a lot of success. Manipulation is one of the many traits you need in order to be a rich person. While you judge the new guy because he’s emotionless, likes to stab things, very frantic and doesn’t care about anyone he’s making thousands of more dollars than you.
The system itself we been born in gives narcissistic, aggressive and intelligent people an advantage. A psychopath is all in one, the whole package. Do you like losing? I didn’t think so.
Leftover Pizza 